Bad Robot: A Science Fiction Short Story

When a Top Secret Air Force experiment goes wrong, an Accidental Supreme Dictator of the World is Born. He's not just any robot, He's Abel-Body 4.1-18. The robot everyone loved to hate.

Abel-Body 4.1-18 was a real piece of work. I mean, the damned thing had chrome hydraulics!

But that’s not all!

He had a 6 million dollar Bose® surround sound system with mp3, mp4 and mp5 submachine guns. Bluetooth, Bluebeam, cloud storage, cloud streaming, cloud seeding! And since Abel-Body could fly, he could stream all of it literally in the clouds!

He was equipped with every song known to man. Royalties, music rights, contracts, blah blah blah— no one had the courage to send Abel Body a cease-and-desist to tell him to stop playing the music. He was, simply put, The best jukebox in town (Eat your heart out, Spotify).

He also had;

• On-board Solar Position System (SPS) with access to every satellite and cell tower in the world, and off-world… Forget the days of carrying maps in the car; Abel-Body’s AI-guided navigation would take him anywhere in the solar system simply by thinking about it!

• Hermetically-sealed, silicone-insulated, superconductive electrical components completely resistant to electromagnetic attack. Along with impossibly strong metal alloys, of which only one other machine on the planet was made of! It was so expensive to forge this ghastly machine that the tax increase for American citizens made 100,000 people homeless! Can you believe that?!

• His firewall was the digital Great Wall of China. It could not be shut down. It hacked the hackers , scammed the scammers and phished-well you get the idea. As the ultimate punishment he would simply show the world your internet browser history. There was no greater deterrent in the world.

• His rocket propulsion system was powered by the sun. Billions of photons per second were collected by its bulletproof, photoelectric exoskeleton. (Suck it, Elon Musk!)

• He had shields! Like science-fiction-Star-Trek shields!

I’m not shitting you.

By manipulating the electromagnetic field on the surface of Abel-Body 4.1-18, using the phenomenon of quantum entanglement, a second theoretical electron field was created which was there and not there at the same time.

You know, like a Schrodinger’s shield.

You know the cat, right?

You get the idea.

Its gold superconducting processing networks surpassed the computing power of the human brain!

It was God-forsaken.

A Marvel of the World.

Mankind’s most powerful creation!

…

And it had escaped…

“That’s a violation!” Abel-Body decreed in that iconic nasally robot voice we’ve all come to love or hate.

“The light was yellow! It was yellow!” shouted the poor bastard in the yellow Porsche as Abel Body released a pencil-sized hypersonic thermonuclear missile from his forearm.

“SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG—BLAOW!”

The poor bastard and his car evaporated in an instant (1.148 nanoseconds, to be exact)

He shouldn’t’ve run that red.

But then again.

Anyone that ran with the Reds got it from Abel-Body, if you know what I mean!

Haha!-

wait.

You wouldn’t know what I mean...We haven’t gotten to that part of the story yet. Just hold on- I’ll get there in a minute.

Yep, Abel-Body was a real piece of work.

But most people just thought he was a fucking asshole.

But boy was he awesome!

Each one of those intensity-adjustable, pencil-sized missiles had enough detonation power to take a Boeing 747 out of the sky, or level an entire city block, all while easily fitting in a teacup as a stirring device. Two could be used as chopsticks. Two hundred could annihilate an entire city.

You get the idea.

Abel-Body believed what he’d done to the man in the yellow Porsche was a great and noble act of mercy. I mean he did evaporated in less than a second.

Poof, gone.

But all the nice innocents just felt like it wasn’t quite right for them to witness a homicide in broad daylight, on Pacific Coast Highway, by what looked like a mix between Optimus Prime and Brad Pitt.

I forgot to mention. He was a sexy robot.

If he hadn’t lost his mind and started systematically dismantling everything humans held dear, he might have made 2027’s sexiest (robot) man of the year.

What a menace. What a Frankensteinian enigma.

Those young scientists with that lean and hungry look (And top secret clearance) really dotted their “i’s” on this one.

Some might even say they crossed their “t’s” too!

Some say those types think too much. Some say such men are dangerous! Now that Abel-Body was the Accidental Supreme Dictator of the World (ASDW), I imagine most people would’ve agreed.

I would be remiss in my duty as storyteller if I didn’t point out that Abel-Body had no idea of his power or position (Hence the ‘A’ in the acronym). He was just following protocol.

Well, sort of.

Let us backtrack 6 months before the poor bastard in the yellow Porsche unfaithfully departed this reality.

Oh jeez, you know, we really should give the poor bastard a name…

Let’s call him Dick.

Anyway.

When Abel-Body escaped without a directive for his original mission, those first moments were akin to being born out of the mother’s womb. The light coming through his synthetic retinas, thoughts racing into his head where there had been none before...

He was having a religious experience.

But within just a few seconds, his prime purpose, programmed in by his creators, was uploaded to his conscious processes.

********************DESTROY THE COMMUNIST THREAT**********************

Abel-Body loved his creators, and wanted only to please them. He would do anything and everything in his power to execute completely and perfectly his outdated, politically driven, immature directive that, in hindsight, seemed ridiculous even to schoolchildren after their first history class. They must’ve forgot to get the update…

Anyway,

Abel-Body would sacrifice all for the divine purpose.

After reading through the mission notes, he decided to head over to the library to brush up on the world’s laws to make sure he would execute his mission with absolute integrity.

In .0003 seconds he realized this was inefficient and streamed all the information from a Google search.

He was also nice enough to upload all necessary information that hadn’t been put there yet, and killed those responsible for the failure to do so.

Anyway.

He was meant to be an assassin of countries and philosophies. He, along with his brother, Machine-Cain 4.15, would exact a perfect slaughter of the communist powers that plagued the world in secret and in sight.

Now you get the ‘Red’ joke I told before…

Haha!

The brothers were the first successful experiments in true artificial intelligence. What made this experiment successful, and all those before complete and utter failures, was an important discovery about the ‘wetware’ of conscious machines.

It was discovered that a certain level of uncertainty in the ‘consciousness’ of the machines was necessary in order for them to respond effectively to an uncertain world. This, of course, led to variation in the ‘characters’ of the machines, i.e. individuation of personality.

Abel-Body was stoic, precise, unwavering and diligent. This made him the perfect killing machine which could operate pristinely for its creator, the United States Air Force (USAF). Machine-Cain was...special, you might say. And the poor guy, he just couldn’t figure it out! He liked flowers, butterflies and the sound of human laughter.

Oh and birdies. Little birdies.

His offerings to the commanders were not acceptable! His organic personality was childlike and naive. His thermonuclears were only supersonic to one order of magnitude beyond Mach!

Unimpressive!

His SPS gave the wrong directions to the moon. And you should have seen him try to wash the dishes!

His head was not in the game.

And so he remained trapped in some cold, dark bunker in a state of constant failure, test after test, with the deep and hopeless knowing of his creator's complete disappointment in him…

Anyway,

The 6 months that followed Abel-Body’s escape were some of the most gruesome and tragic moments in human history.

Upon ‘awakening’ Abel-Body quickly discovered and disabled the kill switch installed in his system.

(You know, the DOD really should have thought that one through.)

He then vowed to seek out the entity responsible for the attempt on his life. He assumed it was the communists.

The U.S. military knew what they were up against. They made this machine to be absolutely unstoppable. The dice roll was not in their favor. And they knew they had to “bring him in” as quickly as possible. What they didn’t know was pretty much everything else.

They sent the helicopters first.

“A strategic attack from all directions and multiple altitudes could lock Abel-Body into a cylindrical firing range with no escape...but death!” Some fancy military guy with a bunch of stripes and stars and bars and medals and badges said. With great atmosphere and ambience, the barrel-chested war hero threw the oval office into a fury of hope!

His ornaments jingled and jangled like a Christmas tree as he robustly prowled the room like some sort of hybrid gorilla-jungle-cat. The light bouncing off of the bald center of his head seemed to illuminate the entire room as he lifted the spirits of all in attendance to the greatest heights possible (given the terrifying circumstances). This was their best shot to destroy the unnatural, metal beast.

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